It’s been just over two weeks for me here in Seattle and while my apartment is complete and done, I’m still settling in. I am forgetting things. For example: a routine for leaving my apartment isn’t set in muscle memory so I do the “Oh I forgot my [x]” dance, sometimes even twice before actually leaving. I have seen a good deal of the city and it’s a beauty. I have endured much mist and rain and frizzy hair.
And speaking of hair…
Since this blog started as a documentation of my journey through Hyperthyroidism, I have to go back to that for a moment.
I’ve relapsed. My hormones are high. My heart palps have returned (though, not everyday, but some days) and my hair continues to fall out. It’s not just falling out, the texture has changed, it’s wiry and looks like straw. I’d love to cut it into a super-cute pixie, but I haven’t yet found a stylist who is courageous enough to dry cut it, to avoid risk of over-manipulation. (Seattle salon recs needed). I have half a mind to take scissors to it myself, but I won’t.
The hair washing days are filled with anxiety. That’s when the most hair comes out and the tangles are unbearable. Who knew a shower could be such an emotional experience? At this point it’s just annoying.
To be really honest – I’m annoyed as hell. It’s annoying to have hair come out in my hands and on my clothes, pillows, towels, annoyed to see hair fall on the floor as I am walking, on the shelves in the fridge, embedded in the weave of my scarves, sticking to my yoga mat, and mostly it’s annoying to feel hairs tickling my arms as they tumble down from my scalp. I am annoyed that I can see my scalp (though I did buy this one microfiber product you kinda shake on your head and it clings to your strands and gives the illusion of a filled in mane; it works for the record). I’m annoyed because brushing my hair is basically impossible and frustrating.
The hair loss causes a few things:
- It threatens my self-esteem. It does. I’m confident but not super human. There is a knick in the armor and I don’t like it.
- It reminds me that I’m still dealing with a wonky thyroid. This is the part I hate the most – that I am not yet over it and that I could still slide back down the mountain I thought I was steadily climbing. I’m remain in the thick of it. Much to my chagrin, I won’t be that magical hyper case who heals up all nice and neat, without even letting on there was a problem. I really thought I would take the medication et voila, normal thyroid. But, no.
My path to healing is jagged as a MF and it’s just pissing me off. I can’t even sum up this blog post with a “moral of the story” or a semi-happy ending. So I’m going to leave it at this: my hair is in a perpetual ponytail, I am taking multiple supplements, still get my blood work every three weeks, and fantasize about a year from now when I will have my hair back. It’s a nice fantasy and my hair looks awesome.